I can't deal with the world right now.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.

This has been a fairly common thing lately; my anxiety and depression have been in high gear since early December, and I still haven't quite been able to nail down why. It's probably a combination of things: the changing of the seasons, a change in the formulation of my anxiety meds, various forms of horrible news happening in the outside world, et cetera. Whatever it was, for a significant chunk of December I was swinging between being so nervous I thought I would burst like a balloon and just wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

My mood improved considerably by the end of the month, but I'm still having "episodes" every now and then. Like today.

I managed to get through the work day despite having a crying breakdown in the middle of the morning. Now I'm here, typing this out, and I'm trying to think of what I can do to make things better, and what I even want out of life right now, and I don't know.

I want to live in a world where there's justice.
I want our leaders to have empathy for the people they lead.
I want our modes of communication and self-expression to not be dependent on making money for a third party.
I want to know that the friends I've made through those modes of communication still care about me, and would miss me if I was gone.



I want to stop feeling this way.