Dear Eric: I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage. My problem is plans for burial.
All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met. Our children have virtually no relationship with us now and if there is any contact it is ugly.
I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife. My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband. I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored.
My wifeâs mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death and her father is buried with a subsequent wife so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father.
How do I get what I want?
I have not discussed any of this with my wife. If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife. She has done that for less. If I am to get a plot, I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply.
While living I would feel great joy if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity. Am I being silly to not just take the easy route?
â Burial Conflict
Plans: You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love. And â this might be controversial â you donât have to tell your kids. If you have virtually no relationship as it is, you certainly donât need to bend to their wishes. It seems thereâs no pleasing them, anyway.
In general, itâs better to communicate about final wishes and plans for oneâs end-of-life in advance. This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while youâre still around to answer them. But the conflict thatâs roiling your family complicates things.
Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage, I canât say your kids are completely wrong, but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning.
Perhaps theyâre struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief, perhaps thereâs something else going on that Iâm not privy, too. Either way, the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now. Once youâre both on the same page, youâll know what the next step is. That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor. (That last part is probably wise regardless.)
There would still be a lot of complications, of course. Namely, one of you will predecease the other and at that point, presumably, the kids would find out the plan. So, while you are working on doing what brings you joy, Iâd also encourage you to get down to the root of whatâs going on with your kids.